We all go through “off” times that can seep into our relationships, especially an intimate one.
You might be facing some tough dynamics at your workplace or other parts of your life that you can’t let go of.
Whatever the case might be, these “bad days” can have an affect on your ability to stay open and connect with your partner.
And this can certainly be going on with your partner as well.
But what if what you’re experiencing is not just the residue of one or both of you having a “bad day”?
How can you tell if the spark has died and what can you do if it has?
These may seem like obvious questions.
However, many times we tend to discount the disconnection we feel in our love relationship as a phase that will pass.
And a lot of times, it certainly does. But sometimes, it doesn’t
It may seem more comfortable for you to chock up the distance you perceive between you and your partner as an “off” mood or to outside circumstances rather than acknowledge that this might be a wake up call for you and your relationship.
If you can relate, take our “spark” quiz…
- Do you feel hesitant to honestly share your feelings with your partner?
- Do you prefer to spend most of your time away from him or her?
- Do you experience boredom or dread when you and your love are intimate— or are going to be intimate?
- Do you two enjoy spending time together regularly and frequently?
- Do you frequently share moments of connection with each other– these can include lovemaking but aren’t limited to it.
- Do you feel happy and fulfilled by your relationship overall?
It’s not our intention to scare you with these questions.
On the contrary, if you feel disconnection with the one you love, we encourage you to look deeper at what’s going on and make the necessary shifts so that you two can enjoy the passion and closeness that you want.
But you can’t turn toward connection and re-start the spark between yourself and your partner when you discount what that gnawing feeling in your gut might be trying to tell you.
Karen and Tomas seem to be in a rut. Their marriage of 20 years has been a relatively smooth one. Both are easy-going and neither has given the other a reason to doubt the commitment they both have to their relationship. More and more, however, Karen feels out of sorts, dull and even disappointed with her marriage. She loves Tomas deeply, but misses the passion and sense of aliveness that she perceives in other couples’ relationships.
Karen would like to talk with Tomas about how she feels, but she’s worried that she’ll hurt his feelings. After all, he’s done nothing wrong! Instead, Karen keeps her disappointed feelings locked inside and finds herself spending more and more time at a local art studio where she takes pottery classes.
Relationship Tips: Explore what sparks you and the stories you’re telling yourself.
There is nothing wrong with Karen spending time doing what she loves to do– making pottery. But if she is using the pottery as a way to avoid Tomas and the disconnected feelings she has about their relationship, then ultimately, she’s not helping either of them.
We recommend that if you feel like your relationship has lost its spark, take some time to rekindle it.
This starts with looking honestly at the stories you’re telling yourself about you, your relationship and your partner.
Also explore what makes you, personally, feel more alive and passionate about life.
Karen slows down and looks at the thoughts that she’s been believing that have further separated her from Tomas.
She realizes that she’s stopped talking with Tomas because she doesn’t think he wants to listen to anything she might share.
Sharing her excitement about creating pottery and showing him a few of her pieces is a place for her to start.
It might be a starting point for finding out what is interesting to him.
They don’t have to share these interests but listening to each other to find out more deeply what they each enjoy can be a way to being connecting.
Relationship Tips: Act on your spark inspirations.
Karen decides to invite Tomas to a date cruising in the mountains like they used to do together many years ago. She sees the wisdom in not having “the talk” about creating more spark in their relationship but rather being more open to feeling more connected with him.
It’s not that you can’t talk about ways to re-ignite the spark.
It’s that usually having “the talk” usually just creates defensiveness and anger.
When you’re feeling connected, you both can talk about what you want more of in your relationship and focus your energies in that direction.
You might find that there are new things that bring you closer and more connected with your partner.
It’s likely that when you both focus on exploring a new form of intimacy, they’ll be a new sense of aliveness and passion into your relationship.
The two of us have found over the years that keeping the spark alive is not a “one and done” sort of thing.
It’s an ongoing attitude that we carry from moment to moment of love, a willingness to not take things personally, an openness to exploring each other with curiosity and seeing our beloved and ourselves with new eyes.
Sure low moods and “bad” days happen for all of us.
You’ll be able to tell the difference as you explore what you both want in your relationship and life as your connection and spark unfolds.
If the spark has died in your relationship (or seems to have) and you have questions, contact us here…